sickle cell and love

This is gonna be a sad post, just fore warning.


I’m so use to him being sick, until I actually went and read what’s wrong with him and what it really means. we both fucked up and broke each others hearts and after trying and failing at our relationship we stop talking to each for 4 months. We started talking again and as always we settled into a comfortable routine that only us understood.


One night while thinking about the 2 years 7 months 20+ days we have been in a intimate relationship on and off I realized that our relationship revolved around the hospital. We started dating in a hospital celebrated the last 2 of his birthdays in a hospital room. ( this where the tears start to build). Throughout our relationship he has been hospitalized more than 15 times and some only 6 week apart at a times.


He has sickle cell. It is a blood disorder instead of making disc shape blood cells his body makes cresent shaped ones. When he is in a crisis he is an unbelievable amount of pain. Which no matter how much I try I can never bear to see him like that. I have never cried about it to his face but I have excused my self many times to let the tears roll.


So here we are again somewhere between a relationship and just getting to know the person we each have matured to be in such a short time. We both changed, grown in some type of a way. Just as always this started again after a hospital admittance  and bearly a month later he is in again and its getting worst by the day. The complication from sickle cell is taken him over and I cant take.


We both agree we just want the other person close. We both agree to forget the pass forget the titles and just hold each other. Even as I laid beside him and he whispers I love you. My heart breaks because only us understand the amount of love and appreciation is our embrace.


The way he is talking lets me know he is scared and that I’m one of his anchor his reason for fighting. And as he tells how much he wants me close but how much he realizes that if the inevitable happen  it would hurt me the most.


Apart of me thinks its my fault, I can reply every argument and realize that it was followed by a hospital visit. We started dating in a hospital and we practically stop in one.


I want him to get over this and get out. I wanna pretend its like every other time. I want him to get out so I can cook him dinner and we can eat and laugh then go cuddle in bed and watch a movie. I want him out of that bed and in mine, I wanna wake up beside him. For once I want life to be easy on him.i want to fall in love with him one more time just so we can do all the things we never did.


I have faith that he will be fine and that he will make it out of this. But I’m constantly reminded of how precious life is and the time we have together needs to be cherished. We have let some pity things and some not so pity thing tear us apart once. But im scared that even as we right our wrongs we just wont have enough time.


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I am on a journey to self discovery. When I started this blog I had just cut off my hair and for the first time in my whole life thought I was beautiful. After not writing for a while and coming back and rereading some of my post I realize I am on the same journey just a different level. This blog is really an archive of me. I am open, honest and transparent with every post and every part of my journey. What you will find here is everything and anything important to me or anything God lays on my heart to write. You will find anything form love and adventure right down to heart break and depression and all the in betweens. Please enjoy

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